Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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