Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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