OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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