If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
