ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
how does that bad decision feel?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
