birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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