Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The air taste purple.
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