you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
