the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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