seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
