Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
