I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
