The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
