Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
