need another drink. this is the easiest way
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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