So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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