I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just forgot I was standing up.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
