On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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