a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
