the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
