in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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