I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
