So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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