i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
