The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My bed smells like the plague
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
