My nipple is on Facebook.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
as a side note pls kill me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
