my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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