hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
