Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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