i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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