Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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