she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
