dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
