The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
