I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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