do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
