Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
