she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
