I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
