Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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