I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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