the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize