I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
