She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
