I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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