She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
