when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
