If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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