Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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