I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
