I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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