"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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