So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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